Surfacing

Sisters with Bunny

Johanna, Bunny, Melody and Me in Oct 2012

I feel like I’m just beginning to come up for air. I’ve been out of touch for the past couple of weeks. My experience was difficult, but one I’m truly happy to have had.

My sister Johanna and I spent ten days caring for our 89 yr old grandmother with dementia. I’ve been completely out of the “internet” loop and off the computer. My cell phone service was terrible and they don’t have wifi so plugging in was the only option… after I ran out my data plan using my own hotspot. Oops. And aside from that, I didn’t care.

My grandmother is the matriarch of our family. Strong and prideful. Her house always clean and perfectly decorated. The fridge always filled with fresh and delicious food. I remember eating yummy sandwiches on wooden trays with thinly sliced bread, swiss cheese and avocados. And there were always Fritos, her favorite. She has great taste and beautiful clothes. Always classy and elegant with more than a touch of wild and mean. Her house, her rules. “This is not a gymnasium.” That’s how I remember her.

She’s still in there. We’d get glimpses here and there. But much of the time she wanted to sleep. We tried talking to her about her younger life and ours. We’d get moments of clarity, then she’d be gone again. Her only concerns were with having her bags packed, her purse and keys, her dog, Runner’s lead and who’s picking her up. She’s ready to go home.

Leaving her with my parents and coming home to try to get back into the swing of things has been interesting. Trading my laptop for holding, supporting and gently guiding my Grandmother around had a profound effect on me. I was shocked how familiar she felt to me.

Everything about her, I felt I knew. Even though I haven’t spent much time with her in the past 20 or more years and certainly have never been so close as we were in these past days. It’s me. So many things about her are me.

I’m still processing the experience; finding comfort and clarity in what I’ve discovered.

It’s not over. I’m still moving through the energy of it all. Alternately crying and laughing over scenarios I recall or remembering a picture I saw or letter I read. We’re all so closely connected. All intertwined in this game of life. Our lives weaving in and out of each others so seamlessly you don’t even realize that which is you, is also them.

Make no mistake. We are all here for a very important reason. To be our very best and happiest selves. To take what we’ve been given by all those around us and make it into something we love and appreciate.

It’s not always easy, but it can be done. It won’t happen immediately, although it can. Usually, it takes some time and reflection.

When we let ourselves truly feel in our body what we’re experiencing, instead of only thinking about it, it isn’t so difficult. It feels more familiar and comforting. Our minds tend to separate us, but our feelings will always bring us home.

Allow yourself your habitual thought processes at first, give yourself a break and just notice the direction your thoughts are taking. As you expand your awareness it will be easier and easier to separate yourself from the scenario.

Whatever your struggles may be these days, be so soft with yourself. We are such tender human beings.

Every feeling you have ever felt is absolutely valid. You are experiencing your experience and that was the way you felt. No worries at all.

Begin to give yourself the gift of just feeling what you feel, without any commentary from your mind. It will certainly be a transition if you’re one that is critical or judgmental of yourself and others, but you can do it. I’m here to help.

All my love to you,
Crystal

Find yourself in others and you’ll always know the truth.

15 thoughts on “Surfacing

    • I’m so sorry. It is the strangest thing.

      I do understand what’s happening and feel comfort in that, but it’s still hard.

      She looked at me the first night we stayed and said, “I bet you never thought you’d see me like this, did you?”

      I said, “No ma’am, but is alright.”

      I feel amazingly blessed to have been able to give her such tender love and care when she needed me.

      Thanks for stopping by hipmonkey. πŸ™‚

      Sending much soothing, peace, ease and flow to you, your mother and family.

      Seeing you all relaxing into the experience and allowing it to unfold with ease and grace.
      XOXO

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      • I found comfort in this post, and comment Crystal dear. Just talking about it with someone who knows is helpful. We human truly do need each other, and I like that part of this ride. I’ve heard it said that I am you, and you
        are me, and we are all One Self. I think on a deep level that is very true.

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  1. Crystal, Many thanks for sharing your moving post about your grandmother. Your words painted a vivid picture for me, and brought back to mind, my own grandparents in times past. Many thanks again for sharing what is both very private and dear to you. Appreciated your thoughts and feelings. Brett

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    • Thank you, Brett.
      This has been a very heart breaking/opening experience. I felt moved to explain somehow, for some reason. It’s new to me, so thank you for your kind words. I feel there’s so much more to share about this experience as the energy moves and the clarity comes. That time will come. I’ll be here now. πŸ™‚
      Much appreciation for your appreciation.
      Crystal

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    • Thank you sister.
      She called me Melody or JoJo half the time, I guess I’m a blender. I would tell her you had to go home to take care of your kids.
      I heard her call your name the day we went home. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for all you did before we got there! I’m so glad your flight got cancelled and you stayed an extra day. I made that happen. Sorry and thank you.
      I love you so much.
      XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOX
      I love you so much.
      XOXO

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  2. That was beautiful. It brought back the time I spent with my 91 year old Mother last April before she journeyed on. It was a time of looking at old photographs, hearing her tell stories and sharing memories. It was good times. I appreciate you sharing your story.

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  3. Wow, just realized you wrote this in February, how are things going for you now. We need to hangout again soon. Great post Crystal, the timing was right for me to read this and felt very calming.

    As caregivers we really do get a much deeper experience with our loved ones in their final days. When they’re gone, we are grateful for having that, you remember the love you felt and know that they are still close. It’s easy to remember the good parts too so focusing on that while moving through the grief.

    Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thank you, Vicki.
      I’m doing great. She’s still the same. All is working out just like it’s supposed to whether I know it and can see it or not.
      I’ve got another blog in the works about caregivers so stay tuned for that. Bless our hearts.
      Sending much love, soothing, peace, ease and flow to you and all who need it.
      Let’s hangout again soon!
      Much Love and Many Blessings.
      XO

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